update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
