Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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