You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
