At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
