Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
