Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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