listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize