I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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