The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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