So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
