I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
