before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
