What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
