My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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