I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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