he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
