You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Randomize
