I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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