they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
