I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
