Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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