your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
