just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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