Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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