meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
