Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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