This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
two words: eviction party
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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