Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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