if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
