toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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