Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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