i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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