I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
