Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
