Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
