There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
