wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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