My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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