I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
