he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
