I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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