JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
