I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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