I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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