My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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