Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
