My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
