My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
