First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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