Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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