i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize