My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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