we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
