Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
