i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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