Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Blood and glitter go together right?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
