No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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