Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
