Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize