I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
