My underwear smells like fireworks.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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