I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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