just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
