I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
