We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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