I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize