no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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