Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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